Christmas: Rejoice the Premature Child!
This is an accurate depiction of Walgreens at 11:34 AM on November 4th, 2011 in Orlando, Florida. Too soon? Who cares! What do you want as Thanksgiving decorations: turkey anatomy and cranberry earrings? At the end of the day, we are all not the spawn of Luna Lovegood and must deal with the premature arrival of Christmas in retail outlets. I’m not against this at all…but why only Christmas?
Here are a few holidays I want to be stocked early for my spending pleasure:
1. Valentine’s Day
I have been 99% single my twenty years, and Valentine’s is still one of my fave holidays. Was I a teenage Casanova? Well, I never. Why then? There were bundles upon piles of the best candy ever — conversation hearts. Be disgusted, if you must. The copious possibilities of romance novels via Necco wafers is tantalizing from sizes to tanginess to vulgarity. Recently, they’ve revamped the classic Sweethearts formula, and it’s been pissing me off. Usually, Valentine’s displays don’t go up uintil mid-January. I object! Bitter over lost love? Get over it. On January 1st, I want my candy hearts.
2. Halloween
I consider summer the “Festival of Fireworks” due to Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day following each other in close succession. Are we serious right now? We’re destroying the environment for four months due to patriotism? As much as that is the American way, I veto this. I want Halloween solutions in Walmart as early as May. Maybe if this pressure were on all soccer moms, their kids’ costumes wouldn’t be so low-rent and shitty.
3. Mother’s Day
Now come on. Not only should every day be Parents’ Day (I’m prepping for my own), but every day basically is Parents’ Day. So this is my open letter to Hallmark and 1-800-Flowers: have more sales on your flowers! I am not spending twenty dollars every week so my mother feels like a special and unique snowflake. Every time there is a crisis, there should be a crisis button equipped on our life’s fannypacks that disposes these three things: flowers for la madre, a Blackberry charger, and a copy of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Because, let’s face it. We can get through anything if we have someone else telling us it’s okay to be a fucking weirdo.
Thoughts? Any holidays you wish were stocked prematurely? Merry almost Christmas, guys!
